“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche
It’s no secret that relationships take patience, understanding, and often hard work.
The benefits of having a partner are immense.
Your partner is the person who stands by you through tough times, shares in your laughter during the good times, and is there to hold your hand through everything in between.
While I would love to stand by the popularized view of “Love Conquers All”, in my experience, love does not always conquer.
The problem might not however be the power or lack of strength of love.
In my opinion, the problem lies within the individual and their ability to express that love in the correct way.
Therefore I believe that love COULD conquer all, if we learn how to let it.
The biggest downfall of most relationships is the inability to communicate our love openly.
A common mistake most of us make is the thought that we all experience love in the same way.
To be more precise, the belief that we all give and accept love in the same way.
However as one doctor presents, that may not be the case…
Marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman has been helping couples communicate better for over 30 years.
He came up with a simple theory called the 5 Languages of Love.
He believes that there are 5 ways that love is given and received.
The reason that most couples or even friends and family members have difficulty communicating with one another is simply because they are speaking “different languages”.
Dr. Chapman insists that if we are able to recognize our personal Love Language, and the languages of those closest to us, we can have healthier and more loving relationships in our lives.
Take Dr. Chapmans quiz below and find out what your love language is!
– For each question, choose the sentence that fits best for you and your needs within your relationships.
– Take out a piece of paper, and record the corresponding letter with the sentence of your choice.
– At the end of the quiz, you are going to tally how many you got of each letter.
1. I like to receive encouraging or affirming notes A
I like to be hugged E
2. I like to spend one-to-one time with close friends B
I feel loved when someone gives me practical help D
3. I like it when people give me gifts C
I like leisurely visits with friends and loved ones B
4. I feel loved when people do things to help me D
I feel loved when people give me a reassuring hand shake or hug E
5. I feel loved when someone I love or admire puts their arm around me E
I feel loved when I receive a gift from someone I admire or love C
6. I like to go places with friends or loved ones B
I like to high-five or slap around with friends who are special to me E
7. Visible symbols of love (such as gifts) are important to me C
I feel loved when people affirm me A
8. I like to sit close to people I enjoy being around E
I like it when people tell me I’m attractive/handsome A
9. I like to spend time with friends and loved ones B
I like to receive little gifts from friends and loved ones C
10. Words of acceptance are important to me A
I know someone loves me when he or she helps me D
11. I like being together and doing things with friends & loved ones B
I like it when kind words are spoken to me A
12. What someone does affects me far more than what they say D
Hugs make me feel connected and valued E
13. I value praise and try to avoid criticism A
Several small gifts mean more to me than one large gift C
14. I feel close to someone when we are talking or doing something together B
I feel closer to friends & loved ones when we wrestle, hug or shake hands E
15. I like for people to complement my achievements A
I know people love me when they do things for me they don‟t enjoy doing D
16. I like for people to cross the street to shake hands or hug when they see me E
I like when people listen to me & show genuine interest in what I‟m saying B
17. I feel loved when friends and loved ones help me with jobs or projects D
I really enjoy receiving gifts from friends and loved ones C
18. I like for people to complement my appearance A
I feel loved when people take time to understand my feelings B
19. I feel secure when a special person is physically close to me E
Acts of service make me feel loved D
20. I appreciate the many things that special people do for me D
I like to receive gifts that special people make for me C
21. I really enjoy the feeling I get when someone gives me undivided attention B
I really enjoy the feeling I get when someone does some act to serve me D
22. I feel loved when a person celebrates my birthday with a gift C
I feel loved when a person celebrates my birthday with meaningful words A
23. I know a person is thinking of me when they give me a gift C
I feel loved when a person helps me with my chores or tasks D
24. I appreciate it when someone listens patiently and doesn’t interrupt me B
I appreciate it when someone remembers special days with a gift C
25. I like knowing loved ones are concern enough to help with my daily tasks D
I enjoy extended trips with someone who is special to me B
26. I don’t mind the “kiss-hello‟ with friends I am close to E
Receiving a gift given for no special reason excites me C
27. I like to be told that I am appreciated A
I like for a person to look at me when they are talking B
28. Gifts from a friend or loved one are always special to me C
I feel good when a friend or loved one hugs or touches me E
29. I feel loved when a person enthusiastically does some task I have requested D
I feel loved when I am told how much I am appreciated A
30. I need physical contact with people everyday E
I need words of encouragement and affirmation everyday A
Now go through your quiz and count how many times you got an A, B, C, D,or E.
A= B= C= E=
Which letter did you score the highest on?
That is your primary Love Language.
A= Words of Affirmation
B= Quality Time
C= Receiving Gifts
D= Acts of Service
E= Physical Touch
The Five Love Languages
1. Words of Affirmation
The need to feel appreciated. Your experience of love is based around verbal praise, encouragement, and words of kindness. Therefore when you express your love to others, you do it through complimenting them or telling them how grateful you are for them. In return, this is what you expect from the ones you love.
2. Quality Time
You experience love by giving and receiving quality time to and with your partner. For you, the most meaningful expression of love is doing something TOGETHER, spending time together, sharing hobbies with one another, and experiencing new things together. In order to feel loved, you need to receive quality time from your partner.
3. Receiving Gifts
To you love is presented through gestures, big or small. You like receiving gifts from those you love as emblems of their care for you. Reversely, you enjoy giving gifts to those you love as a means of expressing the love you feel for them. For you the gifts represent thoughts such as “he/she is thinking about me” or “he/she cares about me”.
4. Acts of Service
Actions speak louder than words for you! You experience and recognize love through doing kind things for others, as well as having others do kind things for you. Things like cooking dinner for each other, giving massages, cleaning the house, and doing small yet important favors are the acts that you associate love and care with.
5. Physical Touch
Touch is an essential way for you to give and receive love. You enjoy expressing your love through kissing, hugging, holding hands, having your arms around each other, and physical closeness in general. In order for you to feel loved by those around you, you rely on their want to touch you and be close to you.
What does this mean?
Knowing in which way you need to give and receive love is extremely helpful in bettering your communication with your partners, friends, and family.
If you are feeling disregarded or not loved, it may not be because the other person does not love you, instead, it is probably because they have a different way of showing it.
Knowing what you NEED in order to feel loved allows you to ask for it from those around you.
If your primary Love Language is Physical Touch, and your partner doesn’t give it to you enough, you can ask for it by explaining to him/ her that you need it in order to feel or see their love.
If your partner isn’t touching you enough, it doesn’t mean that they do not love you, they may just be speaking a different Love Language and showing you their love in the way that they appreciate.
If you are currently in a relationship, have your partner take the quiz as well and compare your results.
Talk to each other about your needs and how you want to be loved by one another.
If you are not currently in a relationship, you can be aware of what kind of attributes you are looking for in a partner.
You will want to pick somebody whose results would not necessarily be the same as yours, but similar enough so that you would have a healthy stream of communication in that relationship.
At the end of the day, I’m still not sure if I can say that love conquers all.
But I can say with confidence that with helpful tools like this test, we can be that much closer to facilitating the kind of loving, understanding, and supportive relationships that truly can conquer most if not all obstacles that come their way.
For more information on this, Visit Dr. Chapman’s website and read his incredible book that delves even deeper into his findings on communication and love.